Monday, March 30, 2009

Fat Pants

Now that I've lost two sizes, I have a conundrum every weight-loss patient has to resolve. What do I do with my fat pants?

Do I save them so I can take the ubiquitous picture of me in one leg my fat pants? Do I send them to a recycling service so that they can bundle them up and send them to another country for resale? (A pair could be cut down to make two pair for some lucky recipient.) Do I hang them on the wall to remind from whence I came?

None of those options really appeal to me. Here are some thoughts that I had:
  1. Send them to my skinny sister, the runner. She and and my brother-in-law are campers. They could use a pair as a summer weight double sleeping bag. One person in each leg.
  2. I could seal off the waist and cuffs, inflate them and sell them to the weather service as weather balloons.
  3. With enough tar, I could patch the roof on my house (which started leaking last night) and it would save me the $1000 deductible that my insurance company is about to charge me. Since I don't have an HOA in my neighborhood I should be able to get away with that solution for years.
  4. Maybe the Naval Signal Corps could use them? I'm sure they are cutting every budget including semaphore flag purchases these days.
  5. They would make a great car cover for a mini-cooper or VW bug. Maybe even a small sedan like a Toyota Corolla. You could use the back-pockets as a hide-a-key.
  6. If one person held onto each leg hem, they could be the finish line at the next Olympics. Hopefully the winner won't be in the center lane. Hitting the zipper tab at those would be killer. It would be a whole new type of sports injury that would need specialized treatment.
  7. Since they are stretch denim, we could attach them to a frame with spring and use them as a trampoline for the neighborhood children.
  8. Since saving money is very hip, Hollywood could use them for the down-rent openings - a denim carpet instead of a red carpet.
  9. I could send them to the Boy Scouts of America. They could use them for Pup tents. If they are cub scouts, they could use the sleeping bags. Since the BSA doesn't approve of same sex relationships, we would cut the legs apart so there are no double sleepers.
  10. Colorado and Wyoming Event planners could use them as a tablecloths for the cowboy theme weddings that are so ubiquitous around here.
  11. If there is a nun novitiate around somewhere with eight singing children to care for, they could be made into jumpers and shorts for the children.
  12. I swear I've haven't owned a pair of Pink Pants since I was five, but if I did have fat pink pants, I could donate them to the Breast Cancer Awareness cause. They could be a Pink Ribbon on a high-rise during Fund Raising Activities.
These are just a few thoughts. If you have others, share them with me. This is a critical issue for all weight-loss surgery patients. Help save us from the usual before and after pictures.


nancy compton said...

Ha! You are gonna have to write a book about this, girl. Very Erma Bombecky and the world has missed her style for quite some time. Thanks for the giggle and congrats in the 2 sizes!

Scott Wilson said...

I think you need to start a new club. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Fat Pants. Mail them to one of your friends and have them write something about you on them. The pants can travel from friend to friend and come back filled with well wishes, great thoughts and lots of love for our friend Jo!